By Andy Na / April 1st, 2013
Note: This was intended to be an April Fools joke but didn’t quite make the cut this year. We still thought you might enjoy the read!
At the roundtable office where Sakurai and Namco Bandai rehearsed for Nintendo Direct, Nintendo of America CEO Reggie Fils Aime — breaking regional protocol by flying to Japan to personally see Smash Bros. himself — turned into a zombie and gnawed off Masahiro Sakurai’s arm — the same arm he had injured from overworking — as if it were a brand new chew toy.
In mere seconds, Shigeru Miyamoto rushed in with an authentic Master Sword memorabilia and beheaded the undead Mr. Fils-Aime, pulling Sakurai away from its clutches, and immediately hacking off his entire arm.
“He screamed like a little bitch”, told Mr. Miayamoto, who was covered completely in muck. “Any more of that crying and I would’ve played marbles with his eyeballs,” he continued.” Sakurai was reported to have feverishly borrowed quotes from Aliens, starting with: “It’s game over man, game over!”
Hideo Kojima, who had snuck past security and the wrathful gaze of Miyamoto, had done absolutely nothing to stop the attack. He only clenched his legs above his own puddle of urine when he described the outbreak as “something from my Game of Thrones DVDs.” He was actually going to surprise Sakurai by showing Smash Bros. in Metal Gear Solid 5: The Phantom Pain.
Mr. Kojima was not the only one who snuck past security, for Street Fighter producer Yoshinori Ono had also made his way through. Mr. Ono, who was covered in muck with his Blanka action-figure, had explained that this was all a “tragedy”, and he wished things were better between himself and Tekken producer Katsuhiro Harada. Later discovery shows that Harada possessed no bite marks on his body, but had instead 400 blows to the brain involving a small object. “I really wanted Blanka to be in Smash Bros, y’know?,” Ono replied.
Many game designers expressed their condolences to Nintendo and Masahiro Sakurai, but for ulterior reasons only:
Goichi Suda, whom the West associates as Suda51, shared deep emotions upon saying that Travis Touchdown will not face Link in Super Smash Bros.
Keiji Inafune sends condolences to Sakurai by claiming he was a “true hero to Japanese gaming” after accepting Megaman at knife-point for the fighter’s roster.
Yosuke Hayashi from Team Ninja masturbated with bitter tears when he was too late to pitch his skimpier jiggle-induced Zero-Suit Samus designs.
Xenoblade creator Tetsuya Takahashi has left Monolith and Nintendo exclaiming there is no God after discovering Sakurai’s absence will prevent Shulk from entering Smash Bros.
After the tragic event, Tales producer Hideo Baba was assigned to lead development for Smash Bros. when Sakurai had suddenly “flipped his shit” and threatened to commit ritual suicide, should his baby ever get “touched by filthy RPG hands”. Continuation was impossible by this point.
“We were collectively and wholeheartedly against cancelling Smash Bros.,” Iwata explained, as he expresses deep regrets in delivering the news. When asked about what will happen to Nintendo’s American division, he remained silent and grimaced behind the idea at reading Facebook posts from “irascible neanderthals”.
Meanwhile, CEO of Sony Corporation, Kaz Hirai, Tweets frequently about Game of Thrones, saying that all video game bosses should strive to be like Joffrey.
It has been discovered that the self-zombification feature from ZombiU was symptomatic to the zombie outbreak at Nintendo. Earlier at E3 2012, Reggie Fils-Aime had pointed the Gamepad at his face to show off additional gimmicks.
“It was all harmless fun, and we did not know this was ever going to happen”, said Ubisoft CEO Yves Guillemot, who apologized vehemently. Mr. Guillemont had promised to take full responsibility by preparing Rayman Legends exclusively on Wii U as the cure to the disease.
Hideo KojimaKatsuhiro HaradaKeiji InafuneMasahiro SakuraiNamco BandaiNintendoNintendo of AmericaReggie Fils-AimeSatoru IwataSuda51Team Ninjatetsuya takahXenobladeyoshinori ono