APRIL FOOLS 2015: Building Character: The Saviour of Kakariko

Wednesday, April 1st, 2015

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(Here ya go, a little music for the story.)

Oh hey guys, how are you doing? I’m doing pretty well, thanks for askin’. Today, I want to tell you a little story; spin a little yarn to get ya through the day. Ya know, sometimes things can get a little scary in this world. Things can just head right on down that big ol’ mountain and just…kinda sneak up on ya. Heavy stuff, emotional stuff…spiders, sometimes, too. Not these days though. These days we have ourselves a hero, someone that keeps all the bad things from getting to us here. Do ya know who that is, guys? This guy, our special protector. Not the biggest fella, but he sure does do a good job.

Our hero, the saviour of our town. What was his name again? I can't remember...

Our hero, the saviour of our town. What was his name again? I can’t remember…

Oh, did you think I was talking about that little green-hatted fella? No no, not him, no sir. All he did was roll into my favourite crate and steal five rupees out of it, the little sneak-thief. I really oughta file a report about that one of these days. Anyway, back to the story.

See, that there fella, standing proud and straight by the gate to the village? He’s the hero I want to tell ya bout. … … Have you seen my glasses? I coulda sworn I left them on the table…what’s that? They’re on my head? Oh thank you, I always do seem to misplace those darned things.

No one ever learned his name…no one ever thought to ask, actually. Honestly, he never really seemed to do all that much when people were watching him. Always kept the town good and safe, though, that’s what he told us. See, at night, that’s when things get proper scary just outside the town gate. Our guardian though, he keeps the baddies out. Him and that big, strong gate of his. One time I swear, I saw a big ol’ spider just a wailin’ on that gate, heading straight for the guard! He didn’t panic though…or at least not much…jumped a bit and I swear I heard him scream, but he told me that was the crows.

Our peaceful little town.

Our peaceful little town.

What’s that? Ya say the gate’s open now? Only because that little green sneak-thief came through with his letter from the Princess and forced it open. Probably forged the letter too, the little sneak. Did you hear that ruckus he made up on that mountain? All manner of loud noises, killed all the spiders…mind you, the spiders were a bit evil, but even so he just went and killed all of them. Didn’t even ask the town if maybe we’d like to keep one as a carnival attraction! We need all the tourism money we can get, you see. That windmill is expensive to keep running, ‘specially with the weather such as it is lately. How is the weather anyway? Is it nice out? I hope it’s nice out. I do like watching the chickens run around the town all free like. Not like they’re my chickens, what do I care if a few get lost? It’s a good show, I pay my taxes, I deserve a nice bit of wildlife to look at.

CHICKEN!! I pay my taxes...

CHICKEN!! I pay my taxes…

Wha? Right, the guard…never did learn his name, did I mention that? Anyway, one day not long ago I went outside and do you know what? He had a mask on his face! Never did find out why, must have won it for something…maybe for keeping the spiders out? I don’t rightly know. Not sure when he’d have had the time to go get it…never did see him take a break. I’m just glad he managed to hold on to it, if he’d fallen asleep I bet you that little green sneak-thief would have stolen it right off his head, the ungrateful bast…

Keaton mask

A hero’s mask, no doubt.

You know, now that I think of it, I think that guard has himself a son. Which is a bit strange, what with him never seeming to be in the company of a lady. Not rightly sure who the mother is. ‘Course the boy’s a bit strange, too…always hanging around with DampĂ©, the gravekeeper. What kind of a boy wants to hang around with a gravekeeper? I blame the parents, never spending any time with the boy, really. See, that’s his failing. Every hero has a failing, keeps them human, ya know? This one just so happens to be a negligent father…no one’s perfect, right?

What a strange little boy...

What a strange little boy…

Oh jeez, look at the time…I should probably let ya go, now. Come back any time if ya want to hear another story, I have dozens of them. Do you want a cookie? I just pulled a fresh batch…no, no, I forgot them in the oven. Oh dear, they’re burnt…did you still want one? No? I can’t blame you; burnt cookies aren’t really as good as not burnt cookies. Oh well, ya have a good day now, okay? And…wait, did you see my glasses? I swear I left them on the table…



About Matt Welwood

Matt does a lot of stuff, and now also does stuff on oprainfall. Frequent player of Hearthstone, and many other games besides. Follow him on Twitter (@ghostlyweevil) for infrequent updates about things that he thinks about.