By Antonin Kořenek / June 30th, 2014
With Mario Kart 8 out, everyone has been busy racing through the tracks, unlocking everything and ruining relationships with blue, spikey shells. And yet, as much as we attempt to try and play as every character equally, we often find ourselves sticking with certain characters more than others. What does our favorite Mario Kart 8 character say about us? Luckily, I have complied an all-encompassing list that will leave those questions solved.
Disclaimer: The following is not meant to diagnose, treat, or prevent any sort of mental illness, hallucination, or place you in a proper sorting function for greater alignment with society and is by no means all conclusive. The following cannot be used as a substitute for legal, moral or medical advice.
You are often the star of the show, the center of attention. You’re not quite sure why. There’s nothing terribly remarkable about you, but you will admit that you are likeable. You definitely bring the party with you. People who play as Mario tend to impress everyone with their actions.
You are prim and proper and lean much into the more frilly and feminine side of things. You enjoy dressing yourself up and looking nice. Yes, it takes a lot of effort but the effect is worth it. Not quite active normally, Peach players tend to get themselves scooped up and dragged along by other people. On the off chance that you decide to become active, you are a force to be reckoned with. Prone to mood swings.
You have the imagination of a happy child. Heck, your inner child is alive and well. You enjoy running around on spring days and going out on big adventures. People who play Yoshi are happiest when they travel and see new things. They love eggs, yarn, and animals. Often getting along better with the animals than other people.
The great thing about Ludwig players is their love of music. Oftentimes they are musicians. They might be a bit moody when their muse is out, but once he or she has arrived, they are cheerful and pleasant to be around.
Misunderstood. That is the best way to describe Bowser players. You oftentimes come off too strong. Try stepping back a little. Relax. While you tend to be high strung naturally, it would do you some good to, I dunno, take a yoga class or something.
Seriously, chill out.
You are a jerk, but everyone loves you for it. Wario players tend to cause trouble and pull pranks. While there’s hardly any malice involved, you tend to enjoy doing things for the lulz. Most compatible with Lakitu and Wendy players.
Unlike Peach players, you tend to find that you don’t need to put as much effort into looking nice. It simply comes natural to you. You are very active and are a dreamer at heart. Daisy players love a good challenge and being immersed in the arts.
The one nobody expects. Luigi players are quiet and unassuming at first. Though as they grow comfortable, and shed a few layers of exoskeleton, people find themselves irresistibly drawn to them. They become happier and gleeful in appearance, but just underneath is a deep seated rage. It is seething and raving to come out. And it does. Oh, it does. When other players think they are safe, it comes: a random green shell. “How did that even hit me?” they think. But then they see you. You in your appealing crisp green shirt and blue overalls, passing by with a glare of death.
And they will let you pass.
You are hard and gritty, but fashionable. You can mix with all kinds of people, whether you’re rockin’ a tie or blasting Hip Hop music from your classic boom box. Often compared to Mario players, DK players have personality to back it up. They are often loud and maybe a little dumb, but once you get to know them, they are big Teddy Bears.
Waluigi players are very confident and narcissistic. They are strong willed, oftentimes letting it get to their heads and causing trouble. While they tend to get in fights, they don’t really mean to. They’re just looking for a good time. A little crazy, their theme song is Start Wearing Purple by Gogol Bordello.
You are classy, borderline regal if not made of magic. Unlike Peach players, Rosalina players are practically divine and merely are that way without a bit of forethought. They stare out into the great expanse of space with a kind of longing, but with patience. Rosalina players have been around for eons. Often floating about in space, watching planets form and stars die in violent explosions ripping apart whole solar systems. Secretly, Black Holes are your favorite thing. You love the way they destroy everything and leave no trace behind.
You have no redeemable qualities. None.
Toadettes are wallflowers. They have a lot to say, but are too shy to speak their minds at first. They like books written by John Green or Jackson Pearce. Perks of Being a Wallflower sometimes hits too close to home, though. Often times, Toadettes aspire to be someone’s manic pixie dream girl/boy, but will usually decide to do their own thing, like reading poetry by the riverside. Seek the Yoshi for happiness.
A total sadist. You seek out pleasure for yourself. If no one gets you, that’s their problem. If they do, cool, but it’s not that big of a deal unless you can use them. You have your own sense of style that follows nothing but your own heart — or, rather, your lack of one. Watching other people squirm is one of your favorite things.
What is your deal? God you are so aggravating. Just GO AWAY.
You are loyal and a bit of a masochist. Toad players throw themselves into the fray, allowing people to literally use them as shields. But it’s cool, you enjoy it. You enjoy the attention. And the pain. Mostly the pain. Seek the Wendy players of the world, but don’t beg too much. It’s unsightly.
You have seen horrors. Every night, your memories flash in your head. The broken shells, the broken families. And for what? For your King’s desire for a woman? Your opponents also showed you no mercy, laughing and shouting with glee as rows and rows and rows of your comrades fell hopelessly under their boots. They want you to play a friendly go-kart game? Oh, you’ll play. You’ll play alright. And you WILL SHOW THEM.
Have you ever wondered what lay on the other side of reality? Have you ever seen movement in the corner of your eye but when you turn to look nothing is there? Have you ever felt eyes watching you from a corner of the room that had not been there before? Have you ever watched yourself fall asleep? Have you ever watched your body get up and leave without you?
Where are you? Where are you now?
You often stand off in the distance, or from up high, watching events unfold. Sometimes you help out, holding a camera or two. Other times, when you’re feeling up to it, you might enjoy inciting a bit of chaos by figuratively (or literally) throwing things into the fray. A little shy, you make for great conversation when you finally open up.
Lemmy players are worthless. They bumble around, trying to help out but all they seem to do is get in people’s way. Nothing they start tends to work out… or get finished at all. Though, they weren’t always that way. Once, they were good kids. They did well in school, got good grades. They even were the captain of their soccer team. Then, something happened. It was almost as if someone came in and just switched places with them. Switched places with an exact copy, but worthless in every way.
You hide behind a mask. You hide behind a mask to hide your guilt. No, not guilt. That’s not right. You’re not like them and you know it. You hide behind a mask because you loved your sin. You loved the screams, the look in their eyes as their life slipped away.
You also make an adorable noise when startled.
You often wake in the morning with a bright yawn while covered in the entrails of others. Is that your blood smeared across your pacifier? Of course not. It never is. You like your mornings quiet. But unlike the peaceful quiet most enjoy, you prefer the kind of silence left over after tortured screams finally wither away. No one expects the cute one, but you are boiling pot of twisted sadism. Whatever it was that you got up to last night, you don’t ever remember. But there is one thing you do know. One thing that the very fluid covering your organs seems to crave.
You want to do it again.
Larry Koopa players love to laugh. They’re always laughing. Always. Everything is just so funny to you. Mario Kart, the way cars work, the way those tracks don’t. You see the reality of it all. I mean really, we’ve come close to World War III over geese! World War II was started over the amount of telegraph poles Germany owed after all. Telegraph poles! Isn’t that hilarious? Life. Death. Everyone’s hopes and dreams. It’s a joke! An awful, twisted joke! But you see the funny side!
And that’s why you laugh.
Seriously? Get over yourself.
No. No, you’re not paranoid. Everyone’s out to get you. Yes. Yes, there are black helicopters outside monitoring your every move. The NSA has your cell phone bugged, your email bugged. Oh my god, was that a real bug just now? Or was that a vague and shadowy government agency’s robot monitoring bug-like device? This connection isn’t safe anymore. Run. RUN!
Oh my god you are precious. Just… just so adorable. How are you that cute? I feel my insides just turning to sugar and melting just thinking about you. Nothing should be this cute, and yet here you are. No, seriously. Nothing should be that cute. GAH! I can’t stand it! GO! GET OUT OF HERE YOU ADORABLE ABOMINATION!
So cool you don’t even need a description. Everyone else: deal with it.
One day, the prophecy will unfold and you will be known as the Dark Ruler of All Things. Your wrath will spread throughout the land and many will tremble upon the mere mention of your name. You will blot out the sun and cackle as mankind panics.
Until then, go get a smoothie or something.
You stand silent and unmovable. You often are placed somewhere and never move. You do not travel. You simply gaze out into the direction you face and stare, but you do not care for what you see. You do not care for children playing, couples holding hands, or protesters rioting. You do not care about anything.
You are literally a statue.
Pink Gold Peach
DEATH TO ALL ORGANIC MATTER! YEARN FOR A UNIVERSE WHERE ALL IS COVERED IN GOLD! EVERYTHING! EVERY STAR! EVERY PLANET! EVERY CORPSE! YEARN FOR IT! DREAM OF IT! ACHIEVE IT! BY YOUR HANDS, ALL WILL COME UNDONE!
Special thanks to the Super Mario Wiki page for the images!