[April Fools 2014] Building Character: Master Chief

Tuesday, April 1st, 2014

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By


Master Chief

Master Chief is flipping awesome. I don’t think I have to tell any of you that. I mean, he’s the total badass of the Halo universe. Mankind is on the brink of annihilation, and one man turns the tide of the war. Hell yeah. He’s also a man of few words, since you know, if you’re playing a game, what do you need a story for? Just let me shoot [REDACTED IN THE NAME OF DECENCY]. I just learned that there actually is a story though. For those of you hardcores who have never heard of Halo’s single player campaign, this is gonna get into spoiler territory, so fair warning. Plus, for this thing, I’ve had to actually read the Halo books, so yeah, more spoilers.

Master Chief John 117

First off, Microsoft’s been hiding a major secret: Master Chief is not actually Master Chief’s real name. I know; what the flip, right? The name “Master Chief” actually refers to his rank. Since he’s a space marine, he is using a rank our marines actually use: Master Chief Petty Officer, often shortened to Master Chief. Officially, Master Chief’s real name is John-117. But that’s totally lame, since that’s a reference to a Bible verse, John 1:17: “For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.” Why the hell would Bungie, while creating the most badass space marine ever, name the guy after a freaking Bible verse? No wonder Microsoft calls him Master Chief. At least that sounds badass.

John-117_fighting_ODST_team

So, anyway, when John was a kid, he was recruited by the government to turn him into a super soldier. Apparently no one cared, since I never heard nothing about no controversy, which is awesome. Take note America; if the army wants to turn your kid into a super solider, shut up and do it, since that kid will be a total hardcore badass, unlike you. Now, they put John through a lot of training, and he was pretty awesome by the end of it. But the government still didn’t think he was badass enough, so they did some kind of surgery to make him super strong. And as if that wasn’t enough, they gave him that power armor that’s so fliping awesome Master Chief never takes it off.

halo-tea-bagging1

Good thing too, since the Covenant shows up soon after to blow human shit up. Apparently, Master Chief wasn’t the only SPARTAN they tried to make, but the rest of them were lame and got killed right away. Master Chief stood up, fought back the alien hordes, and then invented teabagging. That is awesome, and we owe him a salute. Thank you Master Chief for being the baddest badass in the universe! Now, let’s all get back to playing Halo.




  • Raguna7-17 1/2 ‘relaxed fit’

    If at the end of *cracks a dew* one of the halo trilogies, he pulls off his mask and it is in fact our savior… I might get upset. but I read a lot of the halo books as pdf’s and looked at a lot of the comics at Border’s… and it doesn’t say anything about a master chief petty coat. his armor is like metal or crystal. like hard like plastic or something. I forget. But it’s because he is ‘THE MASTER’ of ‘CHIEFS’ which is even more than the boss.

    • smacd

      I think his armor is made of Doritos, just like my cosplay Master Chief armor.

  • multibottler0cket

    So much character development, I love these games for that! They should make X into an FPS RPG where the only thing you can upgrade/level is your gun.

  • DigDugDude

    This is the weakest excuse for a joke article I’ve ever seen.

  • AFCrain

    First off Master Chief is not a rank in the marines, nor is he the “master of chiefs”. If any of you had paid any attention to anything in the Halo universe you’d realize that his military affiliation is to the UNSC which stands for United Naval Space Command therefore they use the rank structure that coincides with actual US Navy ranks. John 117 is the highest basic enlisted rank the navy has which just so happens to be Master Chief Petty Officer, hence, Master Chief.

    Secondly, John was never “recruited.” He was abducted when he was a child and replaced with a clone that was genetically engineered to die of natural causes shortly after the abduction that way there would never be a possibility of the individual meeting the clone and the parents of the children would be none the wiser. He specifically was chosen for a few reasons. He was the biggest and tallest kid in his class and was bullying kids years older than him. But the main reason was because of a coin toss. He close correctly every single time. They weren’t sure if his reflexes were so great he could see which side it landed on or if he was just lucky. Signs throughout the series point to the latter but the biggest being Cortana choosing him.

    Thirdly, John 117 just so happened to be the 117th child out of 300 to be abducted and put into the Spartan program. I could not tell you if the writers/designers intended this to reference the bible but because more people can relate to a “faceless” hero the name John was chosen because it is such a common and generic name. The 117, if I had to make a guess, would be to simply identify him as just another part of the group instead of being #1 of 300. He’s never been the biggest, strongest, fastest, smartest, best shot, or best fighter, he is just simply lucky. This way everyone can relate to him.

    Fourthly…. Spartans never die. The others didn’t just die because they were “lame.” In fact it’s quite the opposite. Although all 300 were subject to genetic enhancements and material being grafted to their bones, roughly half either died or were massively crippled. There are actually quite a few of the other Spartans out there that Master Chief interacts with from time to time. One in fact was abducted, again, and taken to the planet onyx where he trained the new Spartans. That’s where the “Ghosts of Onyx” book comes in.

    To the author:

    Your article fucking sucked. I seriously hope you get fired for this. Not because you offended me but because if your job is to write articles on different topics you should educate yourself on that topic before hand. Clearly you didn’t. This means you either don’t care about the Halo universe (which doesn’t matter, you’re allowed to) ORRRRRR…. you’re a lazy piece of shit who still lives in his mother’s basement and can’t be bothered to take a shower cause you’re too busy getting high.