[April Fools 2014] Building Character: Master Chief

Tuesday, April 1st, 2014

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Master Chief

Master Chief is flipping awesome. I don’t think I have to tell any of you that. I mean, he’s the total badass of the Halo universe. Mankind is on the brink of annihilation, and one man turns the tide of the war. Hell yeah. He’s also a man of few words, since you know, if you’re playing a game, what do you need a story for? Just let me shoot [REDACTED IN THE NAME OF DECENCY]. I just learned that there actually is a story though. For those of you hardcores who have never heard of Halo’s single player campaign, this is gonna get into spoiler territory, so fair warning. Plus, for this thing, I’ve had to actually read the Halo books, so yeah, more spoilers.

Master Chief John 117

First off, Microsoft’s been hiding a major secret: Master Chief is not actually Master Chief’s real name. I know; what the flip, right? The name “Master Chief” actually refers to his rank. Since he’s a space marine, he is using a rank our marines actually use: Master Chief Petty Officer, often shortened to Master Chief. Officially, Master Chief’s real name is John-117. But that’s totally lame, since that’s a reference to a Bible verse, John 1:17: “For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.” Why the hell would Bungie, while creating the most badass space marine ever, name the guy after a freaking Bible verse? No wonder Microsoft calls him Master Chief. At least that sounds badass.


So, anyway, when John was a kid, he was recruited by the government to turn him into a super soldier. Apparently no one cared, since I never heard nothing about no controversy, which is awesome. Take note America; if the army wants to turn your kid into a super solider, shut up and do it, since that kid will be a total hardcore badass, unlike you. Now, they put John through a lot of training, and he was pretty awesome by the end of it. But the government still didn’t think he was badass enough, so they did some kind of surgery to make him super strong. And as if that wasn’t enough, they gave him that power armor that’s so fliping awesome Master Chief never takes it off.


Good thing too, since the Covenant shows up soon after to blow human shit up. Apparently, Master Chief wasn’t the only SPARTAN they tried to make, but the rest of them were lame and got killed right away. Master Chief stood up, fought back the alien hordes, and then invented teabagging. That is awesome, and we owe him a salute. Thank you Master Chief for being the baddest badass in the universe! Now, let’s all get back to playing Halo.