By Jeff Neuenschwander / November 6th, 2012
With today being Election Day in the United States, we here at Oprainfall decided to throw our support for President behind a candidate that we all believe in. One that we believe will lead the country to true prosperity and economic stability. One that knows the way of the world and can heal our relationships with other countries while still being strong against terrorism. And that candidate is…
Why not? The Heropon has shown that he knows a thing or two about peace making as well as fighting in war. In addition, his health reform would revitalize the country to a level of health not seen in decades. However, this would be the result of him, his wife, and his Little-pons needing all that food.
But Riki isn’t the only gaming personality that would make for an interesting President. Here are a few more ideas, courtesy of the Oprainfall staff.
REGGIE FILS-AIME (President of Nintendo of America)
The Reginator would be a hit from day one of the campaign. He would come out to a massive throng of humanity and say, “My name is Reggie. I’m here to kick ass, take names, and bring peace to the Middle East.” After that moment, the campaign would build momentum all the way to the General Election as he galvanizes the country with the slogan, “Let’s Kick Ass.”
After Reggie takes office, he begins to put his platform into motion. His major accomplishment comes from education reform. “With textbooks being out of date from the moment they are printed, we need a way to get up-to-date knowledge to our children. We can with Brain Age: School Edition, available on standard issue Wii U and 3DS. With this, no child will be left behind.”
However, the Reginator’s first term in office wouldn’t be without bumps in the road. Though he would become one of the most popular Presidents of his time, he would be criticized by a rather vocal minority for being too casual and treating the American people like children. This stemmed from President Fils-Aime apparently talking down to the country during his speeches. However, he would defend his stance by saying, “I want everyone in involved in the political process, from the oldest voters to the youngest children. That’s why I do what I do.”
But he was determined to win over everyone. On the eve of his second term in office, he went before the American people and, in a surprise to everyone, declared war on Iran. Though no one had any idea that this was going to happen, it was considered a good move by everyone, except of course the very vocal minority.
By the end of his Presidency, Reggie would be considered an economic genius. The United States would be debt free and have a surplus of $5 trillion.
LUKE fon FABRE (from Tales of the Abyss)
In a surprising twist, Luke fon Fabre would win the election as he would tap into the emo, hipster, and college-aged electorate. This group would vote in record numbers, even outnumbering senior citizens. Of course, it helped that he came from money and was able to pay for the best campaign money could buy.
During his Presidency, Luke would care little about the country and let it wallow in its filth. He became increasingly distant as his advisors took initiative to keep the country afloat.
With his legacy becoming something of a joke, Luke was willing to do anything to make a mark. Convinced rather easily by his closest advisor and mentor, Luke declares war on Russia. Before he realizes what he is doing, a nuclear warhead starts to fly towards Moscow. The bomb turns out to be a dud but it doesn’t stop Russia from launching a missile of their own. The United States successfully intercepts it and it explodes in the Pacific before it can reach its destination. However, it devastates a portion of Washington and Oregon.
The battle lines are drawn as World War 3 begins. But inside the country, Luke has been incarcerated by his staff as the Vice-President takes over. However, he is soon released after his Vice-President is impeached, his closest advisor is put on trial for treason, and half of his staff is fired and arrested for various counts of collusion. Luke calls for a cease-fire, which goes into effect the day he resigns from office.
Duke Nukem begins his Presidency with a bang as his first bill would be the legalization of marijuana. The second would be to allow all Americans to carry concealed weapons “to protect themselves from alien attacks.”
Though aliens never attack, Duke does make sure that no one harms the women of the United States. As soon as he hears an American woman has been taken hostage, he goes into that country guns-ablazin’ until he gets her home. These acts make him very popular with the female electorate and make terrorists think twice before acting against the country.
However, President Nukem would become involved in many scandals dealing with various large parties with strippers and strong booze. Duke would refuse to call them scandals since he didn’t think it was anyone’s business what he did at night. Despite calls for impeachment and resignation, congress refused to do anything and Duke stayed in office for a full term. By the time he was done, his lavish spending added $10 trillion in national debt.
A few quick hits before we leave you today:
–Link (Legend of Zelda) would make it compulsory for everyone in the country to learn sign language.
–Kirby would be a difficult opponent in an election as he could eat his opponent and steal their personality. This would cause voter confusion and perhaps a third party candidate winning election. Though strangely enough, that candidate would also happen to be Kirby using that person’s personality.
–Tony Cipriani (Grand Theft Auto 3) would be elected President in a landslide due to influence from his mob connections. During his Inauguration speech, his mom comes up to the mic and gives a ten minute lecture about how he’s such a disappointment. Embarrassed, he declares war on China.
–Silvia Christel (No More Heroes) would force everyone into a battle royale death match. The winner would be given sex with her.
–Ashnard (Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance) would force everyone into a battle royale death match. The winner would be named General of the Army.
–GLaDOS (Portal) would require everyone to go through strenuous puzzle exercises in which upon completion you would either get cake or burn to death. No one gets the cake.
–Wheatley (Portal 2) would also require everyone to go through strenuous puzzle exercises. However, he would fail in giving out punishment and ultimately short circuit from over-thinking everything.
And with that, have a good Election Day.
Duke NukemElectionFire EmblemGLaDOSKirbyLegend of ZeldaLuke fon FabreNintendoNo More HeroesPortalPresidentReggie Fils-AimeReginatorTales of the Abyss