[April Fools 2014] Call of Duty is Even More HARDCORE Than You Think


Gamekicker.com Submit Button

Call_of_Duty_ELITE_Logo

Seriously, dudes, I don’t think you can conceive just how awesomely mega-awesome the Call of Duty games are. I mean, not only do they provide a totally realistic interpretation of, you know, what it’s actually like to fight wars, they even get all political and stuff. I mean, what other series would have the balls to be fascist? And to totally tell the world how the American military actually works? Who knew that military guys get turned into plant people?

fascism-movement-2

You’ve gotta be saying, “How do you know the Call of Duty games are fascist? What does ‘fascist’ even mean?” I know, I had to look it up too. Basically, it means that the government controls everything, and that the government has every right to invade and take over other countries. It’s sort of like the Nazis, but the Nazis were evil.

I know this because of the Black Ops II commercial with Oliver North. It turns out, Oliver North was a guy who stood up for some total badasses in South America, the Contras. They were revolting against a Communist (like the Russians in the Modern Warfare games) government, and they didn’t flip around. They were known to rape and torture people to get what they wanted. And it was okay, because they were fighting Communists, who are basically Nazis; and as we already know, Nazis are evil.

Those guys totally had to be fascists, right, because they were totally hardcore. Way too hardcore for some people it seems, since Americans didn’t want to keep sending weapons to the Contras anymore. Pussies. I mean, you gotta do what you gotta do; ain’t you ever seen 24? Well, Oliver North stood up like a champ and wanted to give money to the Contras by scamming somebody else. Wicked cool, man. Some say he’s a war criminal for those actions; I say he’s hardcore. Hardcore like the Contras, man. If he’s that hardcore, he must be a total fascist. And you don’t have a fascist promote your game unless you’re a fascist.

Awesome Burly Dudes

So, we already knew the Call of Duty games were hardcore, but did you know they were THAT hardcore? Anyway, that’s not all. You know how If you get shot in the Call of Duty games, you can go hide, and your health recharges? A lot of people think that’s dumb, since that’s not how it happens in real life. I don’t think so. Why would a game that is so stunningly realistic do something unrealistic? I think that the Call of Duty games are telling it like it is. Turns out American soldiers really do heal that fast. That’s why we’ve won all those wars. All those stories you hear about soldiers dying? I don’t think they’re true; and if they are, the guys who got killed were just dumb.

(NOTE: We at oprainfall would like to apologize to anyone that was offended by that joke. We here believe that anyone that serves their country deserves major props and we respect those that fell in their call to duty.)

Regenerating Health

Betcha didn’t know that, huh? We’ve got soldiers who can totally heal like Wolverine. How awesome is that? Not only do they get to use awesome weapons to blow shit up, they get to be superheroes. How do they do this? Well, I’ve thought about it; here’s what I’ve come up with. You know how some pussies complain that there aren’t bitches in Call of Duty games? Now real men know that bitches are only going to get in the way, and bitches shouldn’t be in the army anyway. But there may be an answer that would shut even the pussies and feminazis up: the soldiers reproduce asexually.

Now, don’t get your panties in a wad; that doesn’t mean they’re gay. That just means that these soldiers have kids without women involved. Yeah, I know; I just totally blew your minds, right? How is that possible? Well, I’ll tell ya, and actually, this is totally related to their ultra-fast healing: they’re plants. Seriously, that’s it. Plants don’t have sex to make more plants, and plants eat sunlight (which is how they heal so fast). So, yeah, these guys have been changed somehow to make them plants. So, they don’t even need women around. How awesome is that?

Odin_Space_Station_CODG

So, yeah, I don’t know why anyone would try attacking us. We’ve got hardcore fascist plant soldiers for a standing army. And we learned in Ghosts that a satellite missile weapon is in the works. Now if we can keep the wetbacks from taking it over, we can begin our plans for world domination. How awesome is that? I’m gonna sign up for the military soon. After all, with all my Call of Duty experience, they ought to be begging me to sign up.


Gamekicker.com Submit Button

About Alain Mooreham

Alain Mooreham loves violence, in every shape and form. He has competitively played every COD game ever made, probably since he was raised to shoot a pistol from the tender age of 4 (with flying marks). He knows it's just a matter of time before Microsoft beats out Sony and Nintendo for total dominance of the market, and couldn't be happier. He is also a voyeur extraordinare, and loves knowing his XBox One is watching him do everything. Most of all, Alain is a fantastic writer, and can't wait to make his mark on oprainfall with his constant coverage of casual, FPS and MMO games.