By Jeff Neuenschwander / January 23rd, 2013
Welcome to the 2012 oprainfall Awards.
Now, I wanted this to be like an actual awards show with special guests, musical acts, randomness, and a monologue that does nothing but stroke the ego of the host. Sadly, I couldn’t get any special guests so the oprainfall staff will have to do. But I do have a monologue that is unrelated to this and only serves to stroke my ego. Also, it’s a poem, so be advised that it will be bad – you know, like having out of place celebrities at the VGAs.
Here it is:
Jeffrey woke up one cold December day,
To find out that, somehow, the power went away.
No, this was not the apocalypse or from him being broke.
This was all about nature and God playing a joke.
For it seemed when he stepped out, after opening the lock,
That everyone and everything had power on his block.
This left him bored, and confused in a way.
But then he said, “I think I’ll go to Canada for the day.”
So he took to the road to cross the Ambassador Bridge,
only taking a break when the guard talked for a smidge’.
He drive around Windsor ’till he passed a large store.
“Hmm, I’ve never been in a Canadian one of these before.”
He pulled into the lot and skipped in with delight.
But soon he would change, though not filled with fright,
but more or less confusion would overtake his glee,
as he found nothing different… except a mini Wii.
“A mini Wii,” he said. “What could all of this mean?”
As he looked around for someone with info to glean.
“I’ll tell you all about it,” said an employee named Lance,
who came at him doing what I can only call a prance.
“Okay,” he said, “you have my attention. Now tell me, please,
why did Nintendo go and make these mini Wiis?
What’s the point of this thing?” And he said dryly,
“To play Wii games.” He paused.
Jeff was puzzled. “What about working with GameCube?”
Lance replied, though acted as if he was talking to a noob,
“The compatibility is gone, at least one version ago.
Compatibility with GameCube on this is a confirmed no.
To be fair, those with GameCube games bought Wii long ago.”
He smiled as if he said something rather pro.
Jeff knew that was true. “It makes sense to me.
For GameCube games, I had my GC and 4 year old Wii.”
But there was more to say, “Sir, please tell me,
What about the VC and the Ware that was Wii?”
Lance shook his head, “I’m afraid they’re not there.
There is no VC or even WiiWare.
I’m almost proud of that. No more games for a creeper.
But the problem of Wii mini goes much deeper.
You see, there is one major flaw in this mini Wii:
Nintendo has taken away internet connectivity.”
“Then what’s the point of this,” Jeff said, frustrated.
“Why would you sell a console that’s castrated?
Who is this for? This makes no sense to me.
Why would Nintendo go and neuter the Wii?
Sure, No More Heroes and Mario were wonderful
but the VC and LostWinds really made it a great console.”
Lance shrugged and walked off, saying to Jeff no more.
Frankly, whoever came up with this is a cash whore.
Jeff headed toward the exit and left the store in a rush,
not caring who got in his way or had to push.
The cops were called to sort out this calamity,
but it was far too late to save Jeffrey’s sanity.
His mind was shot, his mouth began to rant.
The cops told him to stop but he simply can’t.
There’s nothing they can do that will make him feel well.
For the “Wii Castrated” should only exist in Hell.
Apologies if you ended up like Ford Prefect.
Anyways, this will be a three-part post with 20 categories starting today and going all the way through Friday when we announce our Game of the Year. All new games that were released are eligible. Remakes are welcome but only if they improved enough over their previous version. And all console awards will be awarded to exclusives or games that benefited more from that console than any others. For those that are on multiple consoles, we have the Best Multiplatform Game award.
And as always, with anything that we do that involves the staff picking stuff, there will be spoilers at some points. You have been warned.
Well, that’s enough of that. On with the show…
Ford Prefect image was taken from the 2004 movie The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. The unboxing image comes from FarFromSubtle’s Wii mini unboxing.
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